From: Sir Frederick <mmcne...@fuzzysys.com>
Subject: More Applied Philosophy
Newsgroups: alt.philosophy
Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2005 19:41:36 -0700
Message-Id: <cuh1j1pbgshqlsqdevh9i8fh6fl7r0tdtc@4ax.com>

Stolen from another newsgroup.
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   My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt
you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near
future.

   Here goes.

   Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my
fancy.  (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I
bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 7th
anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my girl.

   What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun
with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product,
it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to
incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
electricity while you flee to safety.   The effects are supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but
allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simple jab the
prongs into your 250 pound tattooed assailant, push the button, and it
will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
whimpering, pencil-necked geek. If you've never seen one of these
things in action, then you're truly missing out..way too cool!

   Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.   Nothing! I
was so disappointed. Upon reading the instructions (imagine that), I
found much to my chagrin that his particular model would not create an
arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I
learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a
metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.

   Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!!

   Yipeeee. I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have
yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the front of the
microwave.

   Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc, etc..

   There I sat in my recliner, our cat looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (me, not the cat) and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
I must admit I thought about zapping  the cat for a fraction of a
second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat, after all.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

   Was I wrong to think that?

   Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of
shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in the other. The
directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed tocause muscle spasms and a
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

   All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5
inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really,
and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no
friggin' way!" Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of
myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed.

   I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad
(sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
agree?).

   I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight - always
twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the
fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY **** !!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the
front door, picked me up out of that reclinder, then body slammed me on
the carpet over and over again.

   I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position. The cat was standing over
me making meow sounds licking my face with that sandpaper tongue
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note:

   If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of
caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You're not going to let go of the thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if
you're lucky, you won't stab one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh
like I did.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

   My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they
get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with novocaine, as my
bottom lip weighed 88 pounds..give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty
sure. Still haven't found my testicles. I'm offering a reward.

   Tom

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